Death
I've been thinking about death recently—not in a depressed way, but from a detached perspective. Many people live their lives fearing death, and at some point, many of us might have wished we didn't exist. While we know life is beautiful and things do get better, it can be hard to believe that when you're in a dark place.
During the lockdown, the only thing that kept me going was the weekend cricket we played. It may sound silly, but it's true. In my first year of college, I was slightly better but still cynical and down. The weekly meetings at my debating club were what kept me going then. Gradually, my views began to change, and I started to see life in a more optimistic light, even though I didn't know exactly how. We've all likely gone through an existential phase before finding some semblance of meaning.
That doesn't mean I was never sad again or that my cynicism never resurfaced. I just learned to deal with it in a better manner.
The reason I am writing this is to say: "You matter, and people will be sad if you are gone." Your impact on others' lives may not be known to you, but it is there. Think of all the people who have inspired you without knowing it. It's the same for you; you don't know who is looking up to you as their idol.
Don't feel bad that you are feeling bad(I know I did). And don't be afraid to reach out to your loved ones(you amy think nobody loves you, but it's a lie conjured up your depressed mind).
Life does get beautiful(Trust me on that). I would have laughed if someone had told me this four years ago, but it's true. I'll even place a bet if you don't believe me.
Find the things that you enjoy. In the meantime, life will inevitably get better.